The One Thing I Will Never Have
by Fabulous and Feminist
Summary: A painter is hired to paint his exlover as he prepares for a marriage to his exfriend. The subject has no idea of what he's brought and breaks hearts without trying. One sided slash, various pairings.
1. Chapter 1

The sculptor stared at his model absent- minded and his head tilted to the side as he examined the man he was meant to be painting

The sculptor stared at his model absent- minded and his head tilted to the side as he examined the man he was meant to be painting.

He hadn't meant to end up painting, he had had big plans for a life of sculpture, but painting brought in more money than sculpting and he couldn't exactly complain if it paid the bills. Plus he didn't really mind painting which was more than many people got in their jobs. The artist narrowed his eyes and considered his subject.

The Scandinavian sitting in front of him looked very Norse God like, he was getting married to his Freya and they wanted some paintings for their manor (a gift from an elderly relative apparently); a couple separate and a few together. Although, admittedly, he'd never actually met the wife. Talked to her on the phone and heard plenty about her but he hadn't seen her yet. Frankly, he wasn't sure if he wanted to.

He gave himself a mental slap and eyed the groom-to-be. There was nothing feminine to do with him and the artist hoped the fiancée was very feminine to add a contrast to the paintings of them together. The Norse God had very high cheekbones and spiked up white-blonde hair with shocking blue eyes. It took the painter a moment to collect himself but he couldn't help but gaze again at the man.

He looked friendly, with laugh lines in the corners of his eyes and a large smiling mouth, cheeks a little red from the sun. You could still tell, however, that he'd be intimidating from the very straight back and large muscled build and the way his un-tucked shirt was played slightly with by an unseen wind.

He was a little worried about what the wife would be like as he knew that this guy wouldn't fit into a house portrait. It would have to be very outdoorsy for it to work anyway. He wanted to have winds, maybe rain to create a bit of a Mr Darcy feel. This guy talked about as much as Darcy did. Not that he could blame him, he wasn't exactly Mr Conversational himself.

As he began to paint, not paying any attention to the uncomfortable silence radiating from his subject and lost himself to the semblance of his sanity. The sanity had a cold voice in his mind, that reminded him of a character from his school, and it laughed at him and mocked him. Daily, it reminded him of the wife creature and the fact that a famous, rich player like him would never look at a sculptor who couldn't even let anyone else see his sculptures and instead hid them away where they would never be seen. What kind of artist was he?

He knew his sanity was right – as always. It wasn't like the other man had even recognised him. Anyway, even if he had, they wouldn't have had anything. They'd never had anything. He finally understood what a female friend of his had once said when she'd described her acting as an escape; how when she was on a stage she could be someone else entirely, without being touched by her own heart. He smiled tiredly, he'd get as close as he could this evening when he finished the painting and then when he let loose everything in sculpture.

He gave another half smile to his subject and put his paintbrush down, slightly shocked by the passage of time. His subject cleared his throat apprehensively and rolled his shoulders, easing out the cricks.

"Hey, look, I just wanted to say thanks, for this. It means a lot to me. Um, well, my wife has decided that she wants the wedding earlier than we'd been planning, something to do with the place she's booking and reservations." He broke off, his cheeks turning faintly red and cleared his throat again.

"We'd like you to come. To the wedding that is. It'd be nice to have you there, you seem like a nice guy. You remind me…never mind. It'd just be nice to have you there. Free alcohol, that sort of thing; a way of thanking you more. I'm probably the worst model you've ever had. Too fidgety for this sort of thing. Heh…I'm rambling, aren't I? I should stop talking."

The artist turned to stare at him, paint splattered and confused.

"That sounds nice. Do you want the paintings earlier then?" He frowned as his voice came out quieter than he remembered, but he hadn't really spoken much for a long time. His business partner (a close friend of his and his roommate) sorted that sort of thing, he didn't see much need for talking- she understood him without many words and he preferred things that way.

"Oh. No, that's fine. We're planning on having a house warming party a little later and hoping to unveil them then. Uh, my wife wants to know if you'd like to bring a significant other." The warm, low voice contrasted slightly with the continuous breaks, as if he too was unused to speaking or at least, being listened to with the concentration he was receiving.

"Yes. Thanks." He stood awkwardly, wondering if the Rugby player had more to say.

"Um, thanks then. Here's an invitation." He extended his hand and the artist suddenly realised he was meant to take the invitation. There was another awkward silence as he did so.

"Right. Contact us about the next sitting. Bye." The Scandinavian exited quickly and there was a deafening silence as the artist was left alone, fingering the creamy paper.

_Emma Tolly and Tancred Torsson_

_Invite you to their wedding._

_December 24__th__, 10am. _

_Buffet and Party after the ceremony._

Lysander Sage groaned as he finished reading and dropped the invitation onto the sideboard, weeping uncontrollably as his heart shattered into tiny little pieces. He remained there for the rest of the evening until Olivia returned and soothed him, needing no words.

**An. I wasn't planning to continue this but I think I'll probably include the wedding, possibly the house warming party (depending on where I go with this) and maybe a few more characters.**


	2. Chapter 2

Lysander watched Olivia absent minded, not quite concentrating

Lysander watched Olivia absent minded, not quite concentrating. A rather boisterous fan of hers had recently ordered a series of paintings of her as various characters from sage and screen and as Olivia often modelled for him, it wasn't a big deal for either of them.

Lysander shook his daydream from his head and attempted to concentrate again. Olivia was dressed in Shakespearian men's clothes for her portrayal of Viola (Twelfth Night, Shakespeare) as she dressed as a man. However, as the as her fan had been decidedly more interested in her body than her acting skills –something Olivia had noticed was happening with increasing rapidity- her curves were distinctly visible and her was very feminine and Lysander painted a few curls framing her face.

Eventually, as he painted, he fell into his own sort of trance, the painting filling all his mind and he only noticed the bell had rung when someone behind him cleared their throat awkwardly. A person Lysander didn't have to turn to recognise. He glanced up at Olivia with pain filled eyes, not needing to ask his question aloud.

Olivia, to her credit, simply rolled her shoulders back with a grimace and strode towards the couple behind her friend.

"Mr Torsson. Ms Tolly. It's nice to finally meet you, we spoke on the phone." And Lysander couldn't hide his grin, professional Livvy being someone who still amused him.

"And me." Another voice came from behind him, a deep voice he didn't recognise and Lysander turned frowning.

"Oh. I apologise. I didn't see you there." Olivia seemed slightly flummoxed, unused to this sort of thing-three people rarely came unless it was a family. And this guy definitely wasn't a child.

"Max is on my husband's team. He mentioned he had requested some paintings of some stage hussy he'd fond of." Emma rolled her eyes in an attempt at despair but her tone was slightly jealous under the 'all girls together' tone she'd attempted. Lysander considered how much money he'd lose if he slapped her.

"Ah." Olivia's voice was quiet now and her face slightly stony. "That would be me. I was just modelling for those. I act in my spare time." Her eyes flickered to the ground and Lysander eyed Emma and Olivia's fan- Max?

Emma was in complete contrast to her husband. She was almost too skinny and her hair had been cut into a severe bob, framing her face. Her clothes were smart but plain. It was evident that she was the centre of attention whatever she wore and she was pleased with things that way.

Max looked less wild than Tancred- it hurt to even think of Tancred as Emma's fiancée- more chiselled. He was tanned, with dark hair and he was clean shaven. He wore a shirt but it was untucked and his tie was messy. Somehow Lysander had a feeling that Emma and he would use this as an excuse to touch each other in front of Tancred. He wasn't certain but he had a feeling Emma flirted a little –perhaps more than a little considering Tancred's silence- with Tancred's team mates. He just wondered whether flirting was as far as things went. Or whether it was just as far as things went in front of Tancred.

"I was hoping to show Emma the paintings. Perhaps Max would like to se his if it's been started." Tancred's quiet husky voice interrupted Lysander's musings and he shrugged as if he wasn't too bothered either way, ignoring the hurt that rose in his throat as he considered the way Emma would see his paintings of her fiancée and the anger when he realised how Max would look at Olivia.

"Wonderful, Mr…Sorry I didn't catch your name." Emma's voice was slightly seductive as she peered at him from under her eyelashes. Tancred looked away, a little pain evident in his face. Lysander cleared his throat.

"Adin Bantin." He didn't even feel guilty for lying to her. Not that he was technically lying: Adin was his middle name and his mother's name was Bantin. It was the same as Olivia calling herself Fae Meyer. (Only his was more truthful as she had picked hers at random.)

Emma smiled meaninglessly and Lysander attempted to hide his wide grin as he pulled canvases from various places. Livvy smiled at Max and showed him the few portraits he had done of her so far. A few he hadn't finished were completed as they were pulled out and Lysander didn't bother to hide the small smile that crept upon his face. They were good, even he could tell that. Just not real artist good, his sanity reminded him.

Emma ooh-ed and ah-ed at the right moments and then smiled at him.

"I'll call to arrange another sitting." She declared. "But I have to rush. Important client."

She kissed Tancred on the cheek and wafted out in a cloud of perfume. Lysander coughed as the scent reached him and Tancred grinned at him boyishly, his old spark suddenly visible.

Tancred scratched his head suddenly and swore, the spark Lysander knew fading a little.

"There was something I was meant to remember to talk to you about. Aw, bugger." He tugged at his shoulder as he considered it and eventually snapped his fingers triumphantly.

"Timetabling. We have a dinner thing tomorrow with all guests, family etc. Then the house warming party, then a wedding rehearsal and finally the wedding. There shouldn't be anything else but I'll ring if there is. I'd better drag Max away from your model before things get steamy."

Lysander nodded, fighting the weariness that this brought over him, and smiled blankly. It was really happening. Tancred and Emma were getting married. Tancred was happy, cheerful, looking forward to it.

It had been easy to deny, the silence they had shared had let him daydream about possible unhappiness. He had closed off his feelings as much as he had been able to and it hadn't been too hard. He'd stolen some of Olivia's romances and had left the invitation that had portrayed the truth in a drawer somewhere.

He'd painted the portraits, seeing them as characters from another story, not his own and he'd lived with it. Lived with the occasional mocking laugh that echoed in his brain.

But it was happening. And he was going to the wedding. Oh fuck.

**Tee hee. Poor Lysander. Next chapter (or so) we see the real reason for Tancred's cheeriness and you might get the dinner if you're lucky. **


	3. Chapter 3

The house they stood in front of was large and the sort Olivia's father would have loved to own for a film or two

The house they stood in front of was large and the sort Olivia's father would have loved to own for a film or two. Lysander and Olivia couldn't help but wonder why they had been invited to a place like this. They'd smartened up, yes, but they weren't on the same level as Emma's friends would be. Olivia tugged the dress she's borrowed from the theatre and tried not to wince.

Olivia glanced at the man she had come to regard as her best friend and squared her shoulders. Life's a stage and all that. She could play this part for her friend. It was only a few nights after all and she wasn't suffering as he was. They could do this. Oh bugger. Max would be there. She was that stage hussy. Buggeration.

Lysander glanced his friend and managed a ghost of a smile. God knows how he deserved her but she was a star. He could do this for her. A dip into the life she could have had would be nice for her. He'd just stick to the walls and hope he'd blend in with the background, stare at Tancred from afar. Oh damn, this was going to be hell.

"Toto I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." Olivia's dry voice came from beside him enriched with a deep sense of calm. Lysander relaxed slightly.

They could do this. Couldn't they?

Despite the pair's best efforts, everyone in the room noticed Lysander and Olivia's entrance. Emma frowned slightly as she noticed this; she didn't want the limelight stolen on _her_ night. Straightening her back she noted that this Fae Meyer's heels meant that she was taller than Emma. She would be dealt with…acting all tarty in front of Tancred's parents.

"Hi! Welcome to our house! You both look amazing. Us gals are over there, do come join us Fae!" Emma's voice had a sense of over friendliness and Olivia knew she could beat Emma at this game. This had been her life for 18 years. Emma had no idea what she was letting herself in for. Emma had no idea what the rules where and she was cheating so badly.

It was totally obvious how fake she was. That was the secret to losing. It was also totally obvious that the marriage was for show. Olivia knew her type and she knew how to win. She basically just had to sleep with Max. Ew. Maybe she'd find another way.

"You have a wonderful house. We're very flattered to have been invited." In contrast to Emma, Olivia exuded poise and dignity. It was a look Emma tended to achieve at work and glances were given sideways to this intruder. Emma looked like a pauper (in spite of the evidently designer dress-mistake number two, you must never conform) next to Livvy.

Tancred chuckled as he came up next to his fiancée to welcome Lysander and he jerked his head towards a bunch of burly guys gathered in a corner. Lysander gave a fleeting smile and left Olivia to her fate. She could handle Emma. He couldn't. However, if she looked at all bothered by that guy Max, he still did boxing, he just wasn't eating enough to look like he did.

Tancred shoved through the huddle, followed closely by Lysander, with a bright smile.

"Guys! This is Adin, he's a friend of ours. Adin, I'd introduce everyone but it'd be a waste of time. For now, You There will do us fine. However, if one or other of my parents come over, remembering their names would be good." Lysander's eyebrows went up. This was not the sort of party he'd put up with for 18 years. Well, the sort of party he'd used to escape with Tancred.

The group grinned at him as he leant against the wall. He was a hell of a lot thinner than all of them but Tancred was the only one taller than him. Leaning against the wall didn't really take much from his height but it did mean he looked more relaxed. That was a good thing, he considered, the rules from high society parties returning to him once more. You just never looked like you needed help.

"Who's the woman you came with? She was hawt!" Lysander didn't drop his smile but he did raise an eyebrow slightly menacingly. It seemed to have the intended effect as the man hastened to apologise.

"Sorry. I've been in charge of keeping Max busy so he couldn't do anything stupid. He's rubbing off on me. If I end up spending an hour on my hair, you must kill me and then torture Tancred for doing this to me!"

"Hey! She lives with you though, doesn't she? Are you guys…I think that's what Em-ma was expecting when she said to bring someone."

" She's Fae Meyers, the next Marilyn Monroe. She's been my friend for a long time, living with her for that long kind of killed any possibility of a relationship. I believe your friend Max is …fond of her." Lysander's voice was quiet but the mockery of Max was quite clear. A couple of the faces looked friendlier.

"That doesn't surprise us. Max is "fond" of anything with tits. I'm glad I have no significant other or I'd never be able to see him for fear. Don't know how you do it Tancred. He's so immature." This came from a large heavy set guy with dreadlocks similar to ones Lysander had sported at school.

"When Jack says he has no significant other, he means he's gay." Tancred's voice was brighter with these guys, more lively but Lysander didn't miss the slight stance change that suggested that if Lysander had a problem, he would be made to regret it. Lysander didn't bother to comment, not wanting to make a bigger deal of it by going on about gay pride or whatever but glanced over at Olivia who was looking irritated. A few guys followed his gaze.

"She _is_ gorgeous. Some of the more gossipy women will be attempting to tear her apart. Jealousy does strange things to a person. And no offence but is she single? I've been celibate for too long." Another large heavy set man.

"Ask her yourself. She'll be fine with jealous people. She gets past them." Lysander couldn't help but look slightly worried.

"How the heck did you manage to become an older brother to a girl who looks like that?" An incredulous voice, another guy.

"Who's an older brother?" There was a cheer as this voice entered the conversation and as the body pushed himself into the throng of people.

"Adin here. You saw the sex goddess- hi Mrs Torsson!" A woman had joined the mass of people now and there were good natured shoves given to the man that had spoken.

"Adin? You must be the new guy. And if I've told you once, I've told-"

"You a million times, it's Ms Conrad!" The guys joined in causing Ms Conrad to blush. Lysander groaned inwardly as Tancred's parents turned to look at him.

"Holy cow!"

Olivia had consumed a hell of a lot of alcohol. Emma's friends were neither intellectually stimulating (putting it kindly) or at all nice. The thinly veiled barbs were getting to her. It was so basic, she couldn't even utilise the power plays she'd used to occupy herself with. Emma sucked at High Society.

At first the conversation had been boring: giggles over Lysander and compliments dealt with, introductions etc. Then there had been the quizzing of Lysander's lifestyle until he had been proclaimed good for a one night stand or flirting but rather too distant for a long term thing. Olivia had downed a lot of drink here, beginning to hit the alcohol, though not letting it show.

Then there had been the quizzing of her. The "So what do you do?", the "Single, looking like you?!"; the little phrases designed to dig a little deeper than was necessary. The various versions of "An actress? How…exciting." Followed by the queries about Max's interest in her. When she'd been younger, she'd have revelled in this part, knowing she could win but now she didn't even care. Max could look wherever he fucking liked, she had nothing to be ashamed of-he ought to be able to control himself. Ok. It was possible she was a little tipsy. But only in her head. She was her mother's daughter, she could handle her drink.

This had been one of the many reasons she had moved to live with Lysander after Bloors. It had all been too much then and she had had no plans on revisiting it. Some things never go the way you want she had told herself at the start of the conversation but now she was simply forming plausible excuses to disappear.

The conversation had turned to Emma's wedding and then to guests from the past. It was really time to leave but Olivia couldn't help but hang around for Emma's response.

"Well, Tancred and I were at school together so there are quite a few people that I'm making sure are staying away. You know the kind of girls I mean; a girl who totally thought I was her best friend, I know she wouldn't be able to control herself around these men. She's probably some sort of porn star now. Not the kind of girl I want at my wedding, thank you!" There were giggles.

"Any guys you don't want round? Ex-boyfriends, that sort?" One over painted woman asked.

"No. I was such a good little girl back then. Anyway, Livvy had all the boys wrapped round her little finger. I was lucky to escape with Tancred. There is one guy I was really careful not to invite. Tancred's old friend…not the sort you want round your men, if you know what I mean."

Olivia considered slapping her. Everyone knows what you mean, honeybunch, me in particular. I will ruin your life now.

"However there were a couple of people from our group that are coming. Guy called Fidelio is coming to help with the music- he's a professional, you know,. I had to invite one of Tancred's friends. A Gabriel but believe me he's no angel."

Polite giggles, a few lewd winks. Olivia took a large gulp of her drink.

"There's Billy who I hope's grown up since we last met (maybe a possibility for the singles amongst us but he wasn't that cute-Albino) and… Charlie." The name had just the right amount of emphasis to draw people's attention and there were a few snorts.

"Enjoy it while you can."

Right, time to leave.

Lysander almost breathed a sigh of relief when Olivia began to make her way over to the group. However, he still had to respond to that last statement.

"Beg pardon, it's just you're the spit of a guy Tanc used to know." Mr Torsson hadn't changed much, Lysander noted ruefully. He wondered how he was meant to respond but was saved by Ms Conrad elbowing her husband.

"Don't worry about it. We just haven't seen that boy for a long time. Still maybe he'll come for the wedding. That'd be nice. Well I'd better go talk to Dolly over there." She smiled at Lysander and dragged her husband away but there was a sadness in her eyes. Lysander was very thankful that Olivia had just arrived, despite the amorous looks sent her way.

"Hey Adin, Jesus you lot are tall. The heels don't even make a difference here." Olivia's voice was bright as she unbuckled her shoes, any former sadness hidden from Lysander in a matter of seconds. He noticed the way she swayed a little though.

There was laughter at her words and Lysander grinned at the ease at which Livvy slid herself into any group, despite how drunk she was.

"So, how many of you guys have wives over there?" She smiled but there was a definite undercurrent to her statement- how many of you do I have to worry about insulting?

Tancred grinned, evidently hearing the undercurrent. "Most of those women aren't people we know, just friends of Emma's and the few that are partners to them have slid elsewhere. I take it you didn't get along with them."

Olivia grinned guiltily and the group began talking again, some sharing teasing smiles. Lysander couldn't help but feel slightly worried when he noticed Max entering and the fact that some of Tancred and Livvy's words were slurring. Just a little. But enough.

**I was going to continue but I don't know how to in just one chapter so the rest of the evening will be continued next chapter. **


	4. Chapter 4

Max's entry was loud to say the least

Max's entry was loud to say the least. The group glanced his way and shared a few looks but their conversation grew louder when they noticed his direction. Tancred fell silent.

"Emma, darling, you look…astounding. Sexiest woman in the room, as is required of the bride. And, look-I came prepared- a gift for the lady all in white." His voice was louder than necessary and a couple of people clapped Tancred on the shoulder.

"Really, Max." Emma shared a look that was meant to look disapproving but only managed to look delighted with her friends. "I'm not the bride yet, silly. Anyway, I can't be the sexiest woman in the room. That actress you like is here somewhere. I'm sure she's far sexier than I am."

"Damn right bitch." Livvy muttered to Lysander who looked shocked.

"Li-Fae! Sorry, she gets like this at events. Bad childhood and all that. Give me that." Frowning he pulled the shot from her hands.

"I was drinking that. And anyway, I can still hear you. My childhood was not bad, just…yeah. I was drinking that."

"Too bad. Now shush." He glanced apologetically at Tancred.

"Oh Max!" Emma trilled. "You shouldn't have!" She held the necklace up for the room to see and lifted her hair. Max came round behind her and put it on, taking longer than was really necessary.

Tancred gave a wry smile as he watched them and Lysander bit his lip.

"I can sleep with him if you like. Could probably drag it out for most of the honeymoon period." Livvy told Tancred, eying Max up and down. Lysander stared at her.

"Thanks but I wouldn't force that fate on anyone. I'll bear it in mind though. How much have you had to drink?" Tancred looked down at her, noticing how she was using Lysander to hold herself upright.

"Oh Honey. You and Ly-Adin are so sweet. I can totally take care of myself. By the time he's over here I can seem incredibly sober. I should probably stop drinking though. It's just that that doesn't seem as easy. I never did go in for hard work. Still, until he gets here, I am drunk enough to ask how many of you are single without being embarrassed."

"I'm totally single and also totally drunk so you are welcome to hook up with me. However, I should probably warn you that I play rugby which has to be one of the gayest games ever thought up. Basically, I sit on Tancred's shoulders in the scrum. I'm Adam." The guy who'd been in charge of Max was grinning and Lysander noted the name so he could quiz a few people later.

As if understanding his thought Tancred smiled and nodded at him-Adam wasn't a bastard.

"I'm Jack. I'm totally single too but unlike Adam, I actually am gay so I'm probably not what you're looking for." He smiled at her, gently, as if welcoming her into the conversation.

"Ooh. You and Adin should get together." Lysander coughed, embarrassed and thanked the Gods that he didn't blush easily.

"Really? You think?" Jack gave Lysander the once over and Lysander struggled not to look away. They guy was very hot. "Suddenly the reason he became an older brother figure to you is much clearer."

"I think you need to work on that whole sober thing, Fae." Lysander glared at his friend, ignoring her pout.

"So boring."

"But you'll thank me in the morning. Now, go dance with Adam and stop making things awkward. You don't want to give Max the idea that you're available, do you?" Lysander smirked and Jack purred opposite him, muttering sexy.

"Yeah, come dance with me Monroe. When your protector can't see you I'll find us some alcohol and we can go back to my place after so you don't have to hear him say I told you so in the morning." Adam grinned, leading her away, mouthing don't worry to Lysander.

"I like that idea."

"Wow." Lysander couldn't help but be a little bit worried. "Livvy must have a had a lot of really strong booze. She never gets this drunk."

"Livvy?" Tancred's voice was suddenly very very clear and Lysander cursed himself. Idiot!

" Lizzy. Just a nickname between us. After Elizabeth Taylor." He smiled brightly, praying Tancred wouldn't start connecting the dots.

"Quit being nosy, Tanc. I want to know who drunk I have to get Adin here before he'll take me back to his place."

"Both very and not very. You wouldn't need to supply that much drink, I can't hold it. I leave the serious drinking to Fae. But my place is really Fae's so you'd have to get me very drunk to get me back there. I'm sure she can smell sex." Lysander admitted before realising what he'd said. Dammit he was losing it!

"Doesn't have to be your place. This place is big enough that nobody would hear us of we snuck of to my room here after the party." Jack waggled his eyebrows.

"I'm beginning to regret offering you guys rooms here." Tancred muttered, the pensive look gone from his face.

**An. I updated! Aren't you proud of me? I promise there will be more in the next chapter. I can just never work out how to end things. Useless, I know. I'll try my best.**


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